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Valentine’s Day. Ugh. Can you bear it? Well, here’s a dozen fun things to do in London this weekend that involve neither trying to book an overpriced set-menu dinner nor having to avoid smug couples on their way to overpriced set-menu dinners.

 

Ideas Tap Takeover: Love

Lots of cabaret, theatre, film and spoken word in this free five-day fest from arts charity Ideas Tap at Rich Mix. Lurve-themed highlights include Fraff, a spoken-word shebang headed up by Scottee with Bourgeois & Maurice, Tom Marshman and lots more (Saturday, 9.30pm); and Fox Solo, a “toast to love and heartbreak” from perf art’s most alluring demi-fox that takes in video and lip synch as well as superfoxy words (Sunday, 9pm). Last time I saw her, at the final Eat Your Heart Out at Shoreditch Town Hall, I was impressed by lip-synching to spoken word that almost gave Dickie Beau a run for his money…

Rich Mix, E1 6LA, Feb 12-16. More info here.

 

Anti-Valentine Festival

Another mouthwatering jumble of performy goodness out east, this “performance picnic of heartwarming miscellany” mixes stand-up, storytelling, music and screenings across three Thursdays this month. The idea is anti-Valentine but pro-love. I’m especially psyched about seeing At Home with Samantha: A Show About Love, Death and Rabbits this Friday so I can get to know Samantha Mann a bit better. I was ever so taken with her at Edinburgh in 2012 – her sweet, polite, compulsively self-effacing manner seemed to be draped over a mindful, witty, perhaps even mischievous truthtelling heart. I didn’t get to see last year’s Fringe follow-up so good chance to catch up.

Bethnal Green Working Men’s Club, E2 6NB, Feb 13, 20 & 27. More info here.

 

Holestar: Sorry, I’m a Lady

London’s favourite tranny with a fanny (she’s a girl who dresses as a boy dressing as a girl) Holestar is reviving her solo show – a roving memoir of her truly extraordinary life, which has encompassed serving in the army, studying photography, decamping to Vienna, working as a dominatrix and dealing with mental health issues, not to mention her showbiz and nightlife escapades. It’s called the Love Edition for Valentine’s but the show is all about love anyway – love for what you do and especially love for yourself.

Vogue Fabrics, N16 7XB, Feb 13-18 (revised dates). More info here.

 

Barb Jungr: Hard Rain

Barb Jungr is the kind of artist you want in your corner in a fight, and her new album sees her spoiling for a rumble. These covers of Bob Dylan and Leonard Cohen numbers reignite the political urgency and pitch-black humour of the era they were written in, renewing them as anthems for our own hard times. Performing live, Jungr’s a force of nature and a right laugh too. Less nostalgia-fest than call to arms, this might not make you feel gooey inside but by God it’ll get your blood pumping.

Purcell Room, Southbank Centre, SE1 8XX, Feb 14. More info here.

 

L-U-V Madonna

Madonna has never been what you’d call sentimental, exactly, but she’s down with adoration and shagging so that’s pretty Valentiney. This special night courtesy of her biggest London fans gets going at 8.30pm with a screening of the doc In Bed With Madonna – the black-and-white one with all the Gaultier outfits, the pre-gig circle of love and herself ripping the piss out of Kevin Costner for calling her show “neat”. Then expect a saucy turn from Harry Clayton Wright and all-Madge-all-night playlists from David Robson, Neil Prince and David Oh. Warning: includes half-hour balladathon.

RVT, SE11 5HY, Feb 14. More info here.

 

Malfi Is Burning

If Cover Her Face isn’t already on your radar, it should be. La JohnJoseph stars as a trans incarnation of the Duchess of Malfi in a bold reimagining of the 17th-century play that makes terrific use of Bethnal Green Working Men’s Club as the backdrop for its 1950s setting. The play runs till Saturday but Friday it’s followed by a one-off party night that sends Webster to the vogue ball: find your house, walk the floor, work your 1950s East End gangster realness. With A Man to Pet and Dawn Amber Harvey on board as well as La JJ, and maybe the ghost of the gay Kray (they used to box in the basement).

Bethnal Green Working Men’s Club, E2 6NB, Feb 14. More info here.

 

Dirty Fan Male

Meanwhile, downstairs at the same venue, you can find a special V-Day edition of this dirty, dirty spoken-word night that Jonny Trunk developed based on fan letters sent to porn stars. I’ve never seen the whole thing myself but the entertainment value is obvious. More intriguingly, the show also claims to develop into something “deeply moving”… In any case, a good bet for those with low schmaltz tolerance.

Bethnal Green Working Men’s Club, E2 6NB, Feb 14. More info here.

 

Baby Lame’s Valentine’s Party

Honey Boo Boo meets The Exorcist, apparently, for a punk-horror-drag night of dirty games, frantic drinking and balls-out performance from the outrageous babydoll monstrosity. With DJs Moan Crawford and, from girl rock and pop night Debbie, Sina Sparrow and Bitchcakes.

Resistance Gallery, E2 9RF, Feb 14. More info here.

 

Dorian Wood

I’ve never seen LA musician Dorian Wood perform live but he comes highly recommended on a wave of prestigious international gigs, and his videos pack quite a wallop. Judging from those, he’s got a big, big voice and delivers chest-pummelling emotionality as well as rich musical texture. He seems to have a taste for the experimentally theatrical too. Might be something special.

Apiary Studios, E2 9EG, Feb 14. More info here. 

 

Cruising for Art: Post-Valentine’s Cruise

Brian Lobel’s night of up-close-and-personal performance is back in the perfect setting of Vogue Fabrics, with all those rickety stairs, racks of insane couture and – surprise! – giant cock murals. The idea is that you cruise your way around as if you were on Hampstead Heath but instead of a jerk, suck or fuck you get your jollies through miniature performance and one-on-one live art pieces from the likes of Harry Clayton-Wright, Katy Baird, Gia Mitchell, Owen Parry and Mitch. Plus there’s booze and tunes of course. NB Out of these dozen events, this is the one most likely to actually get you laid.

Vogue Fabrics, N16 7XB, Feb 15. More info here.

 

Simon Drake’s House of Magic presents Be My Bloody Valentine

With tickets from £45 to £85, this is a pricey option, and I haven’t been so can’t vouch for it, but it’s certainly unique. Simon Drake’s House of Magic is a Victorian Gothic mansion somewhere in Southwark (they’re cagey about the exact location until you stump up) with all manner of bespoke fixtures and fittings with an arcane theme, from a haunted cellar to whispering chair. This evening you can expect two-course dinner, tour of the house, close-up conjuring, fortune-telling, magic show and a boogie.

House of Magic, Southwark, Feb 15. More info here.

 

Tricity Vogue: Calamitous Liaisons

This is a lovely one to end a Valentine’s weekend with, whichever way you’ve spent it. Tricity Vogue has long been London’s leading doyenne of the ukulele but this might be her best show yet – a trawl through a couple of decades of less than successful relationships that blends musical invention, charming stage presence and shrewd emotional nous. You can read my review here of the show at Edinburgh last year – just book fast, not many seats left.

Coach & Horses, W1D 5DH, Feb 16. More info here.

 

UPDATE: NOW WITH ADDED TIMBERLINA!

Unrequited Lovers

Whoops, this one slipped through the net! Let’s make it a baker’s dozen… Bearded lady, yoga-shot pioneer and all round friend of the fairies Timberlina hosts a trawl through the National Portrait Gallery with a focus on images of unrequited lust. We’re promised songs, poetry and on-the-spot dating opportunities, plus guests Catherine Hoffman and Tom Marshman.
National Portrait Gallery, WC2H 0HE, Feb 13. More info here.